Xiao Ba was a Golden Retriever. Her owner, her older sister, had long hesitated about whether to communicate with Xiao Ba after her passing, fearing she might hear resentment about the decisions made for her. Xiao Ba was diagnosed with lymphoma, the most common cancer in Golden Retrievers. At first, her sister begged her to hold on no matter what, but later realized this was a selfish request.
Tumors appeared one after another on Xiao Ba's face, neck, and chest. She became restless, unable to find a comfortable position to sit or lie down. Eventually, she stopped eating and drinking, suffered from severe diarrhea with blood. Her sister suddenly understood that Xiao Ba was forcing herself to endure for their sake. Finally, she chose to let go and arranged for euthanasia at home, at a time when the whole family could be present.
"Sister, carrying those heavy lumps on my body made my skin so tight, it felt like I was being pinched in many places," Xiao Ba expressed. "But I know you really wanted me to stay, and I was happy to keep holding on for you. When you made the decision, I actually felt relieved. It's not that I wanted to leave you; I just wanted to be free from that painful state of my body."
"You ended the suffering I would have had to endure in the future, making the last part of my journey as peaceful as sleep. So what could I possibly blame you for?"
Throughout Xiao Ba's heartfelt messages, there was no trace of blame or condemnation that her sister feared. In her sister's eyes, Xiao Ba was a dog with a very unique personality. Twelve years ago, among a group of Golden Retriever puppies at a night market, her sister immediately chose her. Once home, Xiao Ba insisted on only relieving herself outside, and demanded a bed to lie on and a chair to sit on.
When visiting friends, Xiao Ba would choose to sit on the sofa rather than the floor. At the park, she refused to sit on the ground and jumped up onto a bench instead. During walks, she insisted on following a fixed route, always turning right and never left. When playing fetch, she would grab the ball and head straight home rather than bringing it back to continue playing, unlike other Golden Retrievers.
Using animal communication cards, it was revealed that Xiao Ba had a very high sense of self-worth. Even before the vet arrived to perform euthanasia, Xiao Ba insisted on going outside to pee one last time to keep her dignity. Then, supported by her family, she slowly walked back to the mat prepared for her. Surrounded by her family saying goodbye, her sister recalled that everyone was crying except Xiao Ba, who smiled brightly.
"Xiao Ba was happy that you were willing to let go; she was happy to be free. She hoped that even at the last moment, she could leave you with beautiful memories," her sister said.
"I like rituals and following rules. I think it's better than something sudden happening. Although this was a ceremony of parting, I felt we became closer through it because you took care of every detail and left no regrets."
"Being sick is bitter, but love is sweet!" Xiao Ba shared a golden phrase.
Her sister visits Xiao Ba's ashes monthly and asks if she knows. Xiao Ba is deeply touched by her sister's loyalty and looks forward to her visits.
"Actually, I'm looking forward to the treats you bring. There's still space in the little Maruko dollhouse model at home—can you put in a few more fishball skewers?"
Xiao Ba loved fishball skewers. Even as a little angel who no longer needs food, she still craves delicious treats in spirit. The model her sister made is a small Xiao Ba figurine with her favorite little bed and fishball skewers. Her sister also got a tattoo of Xiao Ba on her arm in black and white as a sign of mourning.
"I love that my sister tattooed me on her body. That way, even if she gets another pet, I won't feel jealous," Xiao Ba said.
When visiting the ashes, her sister once met a stray dog with eyes that reminded her of Xiao Ba. Could it be Xiao Ba reincarnated?
"Xiao Ba doesn't have a body for you to see, so she borrowed that dog's body to show you that familiar gaze. But Xiao Ba really doesn't like dogs, especially strays—one time was enough," her sister recalled. Indeed, that feeling of familiarity happened only once.
Her sister misses Xiao Ba's scent but wonders why all traces of her smell disappeared as soon as she left.
"I hid my scent because I was afraid my sick self would smell bad," Xiao Ba explained. "Sister, scent is the easiest way to trigger memories. Once it bursts out, it can overwhelm you. I didn't leave my scent so that you could learn to let go sooner."
Her sister asked if she could dream of Xiao Ba again before she reincarnates. Aside from the seventh day after passing, she hasn't dreamed of her since.
"It's hard to enter dreams. On the seventh day, I had a special card, but I'm not sure if I'll get a privilege card for reincarnation," Xiao Ba said. "The important thing is, sister, please decide quickly. Let me know how I should come back to see you. I'm ready to line up anytime, but I don't know which line to queue for."
Xiao Ba then showed an image of a dog with a white face and black ears. It was unclear if it was a mixed breed or a terrier. Then she thought maybe a cat would be better—more independent and suitable for her busy sister. She also considered birds and horses, constantly changing ideas because she didn't know which form to take to reunite with her sister.
Her sister admitted she has recently thought about adopting a cat but hopes Xiao Ba doesn't have to be reborn as a lower life form and instead can follow Bodhisattvas to cultivate.
"Love is so contradictory," Xiao Ba immediately responded. "Cats and dogs aren't lower beings; they're just different life experiences. Xiao Ba thinks it's much simpler and happier than being human."
